Benjamin Franklin by Adam Mansbach

Author:Adam Mansbach
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Little, Brown Books for Young Readers

April 29, 2015

Dear B to the F-R,

Okay, first of all, my mind is blown right now for a Number of reasons. But let me start by saying, your latest Missive is the first communication I have had with the Outside World in Several days. Due to circumstances too Painful to go into fully, I have been grounded in Perpetuity by my mom and Dirk the Jerk, as a result of being brought home at two in the morning by an officer of the Law when I was supposed to be home babysitting my sister but had instead conspired to have Ryan Demphill pretend to be me so I could meet Claire Wanzandae for some Merriment or whatever.

Since then, Claire has not spoken to me except as Necessary, which is worse than not At all. I understand that I acted like a toolbox, Ben Franklin, and also that I expelled the Contents of my stomach on her as a result of thinking I was Drunk as a Diplomat, though actually that was all in my Mind as the beer I imbibed contained no alcohol. I know that girls, and people in general, do not like to be vomited On, but it doesn’t seem to me like a reason to ignore Forever a person you previously liked in a major and Growing way. But Claire Wanzandae does not even seem willing to let me apologize, much less give me another Chance. Much less kiss me ever again.

I don’t know what to do, B-Freezy, and if you have any Wisdom to lay on me, I would appreciate it because I have no one else to turn To. A bunch of other people will not speak to me, either, because they blame me for getting them busted and grounded as well. Pretty much the whole school knows about these Disgraceful Events, so I am living the life of a Social Outcast and Walking Joke. Even Ryan Demphill is acting cold to me, partly because my mom called his mom and ratted him out for sneaking over to our house, and partly because being cold to Ike is the popular thing to Do.

But on to bigger and better stuff, Ben Franklin. I will admit that I have been skeptical about you. I didn’t really believe that you were you, or that you were writing from the Past. I thought somebody was Yanking my chain in the Present, because it makes no sense according to the world as I know it that letters could travel back and forth in time. I mean, let’s be honest, Ben Franklin. The very idea is completely Bonkers.

But when I opened your last envelope and found a whole Boatload of stamps from 1776 inside, I was forced to rethink my position. I can’t see somebody having that Quantity of old-timey stamps on hand, and even if they did, I doubt they would give them away to some random Bozo as you did, because they are quite Valuable. Besides which, every single Thing you have written about in any of your letters Checks Out.

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